It happens from the time we are small children. Parents and teachers tell us to spend as much time gathering as much information as possible before acting. Instructing us to spend as much time in deliberation as possible. "Stop and Think", "Look before you leap", "Haste makes waste". They're all meant to slow us down and to make us disregard our initial reaction. For better or for worse we are taught to ignore a "gut feeling" and think past it. Oftentimes we are without the information that is needed to make a difficult decision. When we take the time to think, we think of only the things that we are capable of thinking about. The things we know. Do we ever really know the whole story? Can we know the entire impact that these decisions will have on us? There are lots of situations, particularly at times of high pressure and stress, when haste does not make waste, when our snap judgments and first impressions offer a much better means of making sense of the world. Why, then, are we taught to disregard that feeling?

Well that was too fancy a forward. All I meant to say is that I've tried to live my life on the snap judgment side of the situation. I've often faltered due to not thinking things out enough, rather than over thinking them. Why does the thought of my future scare me so damn much? It is honestly terrifying. Maybe that's just growing up, but I really feel like something isn't right in my world. I'm usually fairly antsy, but much more so than usual lately. Maybe it's because I've been relatively dormant since I moved back from Philadelphia. (It stands to reason, my life has changed a bit.) I haven't been on a skateboard (under my own power) for years. I have all but stopped listening to Hardcore, much less going to shows. I don't table animal rights literature. I don't even hang out past 10 anymore.

I intend on getting my life a bit back to straightened out. If anyone has any good shows that I need to go to, lets hear about them. If anyone wants to hang out, let me know. I just need to be a bit more active in my own life. I've faltered lately.

As some of you know, I'm trying to start my own bicycle frame company. Called "High Five Bicycles". Nothing super fancy. Trying to offer a solid frame at a reasonable cost. Trying to stick with aluminum. Cannondale and Specialized both had MASSIVE success with their CAAD and E5 frames, respectively. I'm going to try to see how similar a product to that I can make. Just a damn fast race frame that doesn't break the bank.

But it's terrifying. To do it correctly will take a lot of money that I don't have. To do it to easy (feasible) way will take a long time, a lot of dedication, and really, the ability to live without seeing any real results for quite some time. Am I ok with that? I think that I am. It's just hard to commit to something.

That is where the first paragraph of this blog came from. I'm thinking too much. I know what I want to do, and I know how to do it. It should be that easy, right? It isn't. The longer it takes for me to come up with money and designs for this sort of thing, the more time I have to think about it and change my mind around. That isn't good. I'm in the same boat in a similar situation regarding school. I can't go until the fall. That leaves all of that time for me to look at schools and programs and try to decide which sounds best for me. The more I look, the more I see, the more times I change my fucking mind. I think that it's really going to be a last minute snap decision. I guess the only thing that really has been consistent as far as a "dream job" goes is that I'd be working for myself. I've had a lot of different ideas of what I've wanted to do with my life, and the only think that the really have in common is that it would be my own business. I guess it's go time. I found the thing that makes sense. For this week at least. We'll see how I feel this time tomorrow.

I need to try to stop thinking so much. I need to get back to snap decisions. Deep down I know what is best for myself. My heart has always been stronger than my head. I'd like to keep it that way.