Has apparently gone dull. That sucks. I think about where I was about 2 years ago, and I'm almost proud of myself. I don't know what happened. I used to be so sincere and caring. What happened? I used to be driven. I used to stand for something. Now, I am very idle and unmotivated. I am weaker and less passionate. All of my Vegan friends from the past wouldn't even know who I am now. I'm note even sure if I know who I am now.
What's changed? I've settled. I have a wife who I adore. Does that really explain it? No. I'm still the same person. She feels the same way I do more often than not, perhaps just maybe not to the same extent.
Why is the ONE thing that I stood for (Ok, one of TWO things) so easy to forget about? I wrote this some time ago (Feb 6th 2006) while I was messengering in Philly.
Darwinism is cool, kids.
man, i hate people. well, people that are pro animal testing. really get's my goat. "would you rather we test on humans?" "honestly, yes." "are you going to volunteer?" FUCK NO. we shouldn't have drugs and hard medicines. fucking a! people get sick. they either get better or they die! it's the way of the world, how things SHOULD be, if you will. maybe i'm a heartless bastard. but i'm fed up with people that should be dead but are holding on through some "modern miracles of science" fuck that shit. damn you people! if you can't live unnasissted, DON'T LIVE!.
peace.
-jason
How come the position I'm in now makes it ok for me to do EXACTLY what I was telling people NOT to do then? Why is it that now that my appendix damn near blew up, and that I have some skin cancer (that MAY kill me, though probably not very quickly) that it's ok for me to accept these drugs to deal with life? I think it's messed up and I don't like it. But, what do I do? I can't just not deal with this and let it possibly kill me.
What has changed for me between 2006 and 2008. I might know. I think it has a lot to do with me not living only for me anymore. I have a family. I have a very awesome wife. I really love my life now. (for the most part). I have WAY more responsibility than I ever did before. More responsibility for me, my actions, my wife. Everything. If I neglect me, if affects more than just me.
I guess I'm ok with that. It sucks that this world is the way it is. People need to step up on a much more global scale. I will let the doctors know to give me as little shit as possible. Is that enough? I will have to be. I can't do anything more.
I feel kind of like the crazy anti-abortion protester that accidentally gets knocked up and can't deal, and has an abortion. (I don't know anyone like that, but I'm SURE it's happened).
I'll continue to live and learn. Probably won't be any less outspoken, either.
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2 comments:
I can't speak for you, but personally over the last couple years I've learned that it's ok to change my mind or to admit to being wrong. Failure is part of personal growth. Rather than spend my effort to defending something I no longer fully believe in, it's better to learn from it, accept that I have changed, and move forward.
I don't feel that I was wrong at all. Maybe too outspoken, but that's life, and I'm ok with it. I think the issue is that then, I was living for me, and nothing more, and I didn't really care myself as much as I do now. Still, I'm not sure I care about myself the appropriate amount. This is still less about me, than it is about me needing to be alive and well to "take care of" my wife. I have obligations to others now. It isn't so cut and dry.
Thanks, though. you're right. It's very important to admit to yourself that you've changed when you have.
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