update.

i'm still alive. they cut me. a lot. shot me full of dye and removed the lymph node it drained to. that's a 3" scar. they cut a solid 6" down my shoulder about an inch and quarter at its widest point, down to the muscle.

I'm out of work until friday. I have a one pound weight restriction on my right arm. I basically can do nothing. They've got me in a sling and on vicodin.

I'm just trying to stay positive. it's really hard. I've been having some sort of crisis lately, just wishing for a straightedge time out. I need something in my life to change. I know that it won't help, but I just need something to take my mind off of my life. Maybe I need to find god. (Unlikely) I just need something. I'm just depressed. I can't do anything. I want to do everything. It just hurts me and gets margaret mad at me for doing too much and hurting myself. The hurt I can deal with. The other effect not so much.

I can't go to school this fall and that upsets me. Starts too soon. I really doubt I'll ever get to go, which is stupid, because I've wanted to forever. I just need to get some sort of stability in my life. with a job that I can count on to actually pay my bills. Maybe someday. I doubt it though.

Either good things don't happen to good people, or I am a shitty person. Kharma is a joke. I don't deserve my life. I really can't. I've done some really stupid shit. But NEVER should someone deserve this. It isn't fair. But then again, that's life. Life isn't fair. I've known that for some time. Hell. It isn't my life that sucks. Just this year. Current life. Recent memory life. I can't deal with it.

There. I said it. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with my life. I am not strong enough.

Oh hell. I just lost it. That just turned into a "dear diary". That wasn't intended, but I'm leaving it.

Fuck.

I find out on Thursday if I have any more cancer of if they got it all. If I still have cancer I"m jumping off a bridge.